Darwinism in action

I hate high heels. I can’t walk in the buggers. I think there are very few women who actually can walk in the buggers; most women kid themselves that they can when actually they can’t.

They give some women beautifully elongated legs and look fantastically sexy, but those kind of women usually have beautifully elongated legs and look fantastically sexy anyway. The majority of women who wear heels have to adjust their bodies to compensate for their unnatural gait and this makes them look faintly ridiculous. I’ve seen many women wearing impressive heels who are in so much danger of overbalancing that they walk with their groins thrust forward so that it enters a room two minutes before they do. (My friend Biddy and I used to call these women ‘fanny-firsts’ many years ago, in the days when ‘fanny’ still meant ‘front bottom’ and not the Americanised version of the word.)

Bearing all of this in mind, the fact that I saw a woman teetering precariously along a railway platform yesterday in four-inch heels that she absolutely couldn’t walk in comes as no surprise; she was all twitchy knees and ankles, like Bambi trying to walk on ice, and the scraping of her heels on the floor as she tried to pick her feet up made my teeth go on edge.

No, none of that surprised me. What surprised me was that she was carrying a baby.

Quite how any new mother could think that carrying a very vulnerable child in her arms while not being able to walk was a good idea is beyond me. I can only assume that she was the stupidest woman on the planet. And while I desperately hope that she doesn’t ever trip on her heels, fall over and flatten her baby into a pancake on the floor, I also sort of hope that she does, because people like that shouldn’t be allowed to spread their stupid genes into the human race.

Darwin demands that this woman and her offspring be removed from our species! And, with those heels, it’s just a matter of time…



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7 responses to “Darwinism in action

  1. Ruud V

    I take it we will never see you in heels then, eh?
    To be honest, I don’t mind women wearing high heels, though I concur with you that not many women actually know how to wear them (often they walk in them as if they were army-boots).

    I think that high heels weren’t made for women to walking, but for draping, as in wearing them while draped over sportscars or on rugs in front of fireplaces.

    I agree about the stupidity of not beaing able to walk in high heels while carrying a baby, though my first reaction to the bit about flattening the baby into a pancake, was: “wasn’t that a bit harsh?”

    Lília never wore high heels when Jasmijn was a baby, in case you were wondering.
    Actually, she never wears heels, and “lost” (or “misplaced”) the one pair she had.

    • jaynenelson

      I didn’t really mean the ‘pancake’ bit (I’m not sure why I put that in capital letters – I’ve changed it now). But it still annoys me that any woman could be so thick!

      And you are sooooooo right about the army boot thing. If women insist on wearing heels, there should be a school they go to during their teenage years to help them with the basics of walking…

  2. Lerxst

    Have to say, while I appreciate heels can make legs look good, I’ve always found them faintly ridiculous. But then I tend to find quite a few of the lengths people, and women in particular, will go to for vanity, a bit ridiculous.

    I mean waxing? Or that bizarre thing some women do where they pluck out their eyebrows AND THEN PENCIL THEM BACK IN!!! I mean why?? What madness possesses someone to do that?

    But then I still fancied Patricia Arquette when she was all hairy in Human Nature….

    As for the baby carrier, maybe you do her a disservice and it was more thought out than you think. Perhaps she was carrying it to cushion her in case of a fall, a bit like an airbag.

    • jaynenelson

      I don’t know much about babies but I do know that squishing them is not a good idea! Perhaps someone should tell that woman…

      And I don’t get the eyebrow thing either. How can any eyebrow look so ugly that it deserves to die and have its outline pencilled back in again, like the chalk line around a murder victim? Ridiculous!

  3. Ruud V

    The solution! If women (and maybe crossdressers) learn this in school, the world will be a much more elegant place to to be in (legshaving optional, though compulsory for CD’s….)

    • Lerxst

      Well, making it all-inclusive would at least have meant I was better prepared for tottering around at The Rocky Horror Show – though I think the UK school curriculum, if not the Dutch, is already overburdened with nonsense. 🙂

    • Nynke

      Hmm, I love high heels, but I think I do the wobbly ankles thing. Need to pay attention to that, then…

      By the way, I think the teetering lady with the baby at least needs a really good backup plan for when she falls – some martial-arts rolling move while keeping the baby off the floor, or something :). If she doesn’t master that, Darwin is bound to do his thing.

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