They give some women beautifully elongated legs and look fantastically sexy, but those kind of women usually have beautifully elongated legs and look fantastically sexy anyway. The majority of women who wear heels have to adjust their bodies to compensate for their unnatural gait and this makes them look faintly ridiculous. I’ve seen many women wearing impressive heels who are in so much danger of overbalancing that they walk with their groins thrust forward so that it enters a room two minutes before they do. (My friend Biddy and I used to call these women ‘fanny-firsts’ many years ago, in the days when ‘fanny’ still meant ‘front bottom’ and not the Americanised version of the word.)
Bearing all of this in mind, the fact that I saw a woman teetering precariously along a railway platform yesterday in four-inch heels that she absolutely couldn’t walk in comes as no surprise; she was all twitchy knees and ankles, like Bambi trying to walk on ice, and the scraping of her heels on the floor as she tried to pick her feet up made my teeth go on edge.
No, none of that surprised me. What surprised me was that she was carrying a baby.
Quite how any new mother could think that carrying a very vulnerable child in her arms while not being able to walk was a good idea is beyond me. I can only assume that she was the stupidest woman on the planet. And while I desperately hope that she doesn’t ever trip on her heels, fall over and flatten her baby into a pancake on the floor, I also sort of hope that she does, because people like that shouldn’t be allowed to spread their stupid genes into the human race.
Darwin demands that this woman and her offspring be removed from our species! And, with those heels, it’s just a matter of time…