Anyone who was reading my blog back in April 2006 may remember an epic punning competition I had with my best friend, Biddy, about pigs (scroll down the page and you’ll find it).
I love punning; it brings me joy and I have never been beaten. (Don’t let Biddy tell you different, either.) My greatest punning contests seem to have been about farm animals – pigs, horses, cows – but yesterday I embarked on one with SFX’s Nick Setchfield on the subject of hanging, of all things.
The origin of this particular pun competition is a little complicated to explain, so I’ll just throw you in at the very first pun and leave it at that. Rather interestingly, you’ll also spot that we each gave up at one point but the lure of the terrible pun was just too strong to resist…
So, without any further ado, I present to you:
Jayne: You’d better not – ahem – stick your neck out.
Nick: “And here is the noose…”
Jayne: Now you’re just stringing it out.
Nick: Well, give me enough rope…
Jayne: Bored now. I give up.
Nick: Sorry, just my gallows humour.
Jayne: You’re swinging in the breeze now, mate.
Nick: That’s not even a phrase, but I appreciate the breakneck speed of your reply.
Jayne: Oh, I don’t hang around.
Nick: OK, I surrender.
Jayne: Give up? You must be choking.
Nick: I hope you’re not making idle throats.
Jayne: I’m just jerking around.
Nick: Well, don’t leave me dangling…
Jayne: No, I’m not going to drop it.
Nick: I would. They’re increasingly ropey.
Jayne: Oh boy. Your terrible puns are leaving me breathless.
Nick: I’d say we’re neck and neck.
Jayne: Yeah. Our punning is dead good.
Nick: Hang on…
Jayne: Cheater! I already used the word ‘hang’ in an earlier pun. You’re disqualified! I’m the winner! Probably a good job, too, because I was on my last gasp.
Nick: Hey, I thought “dead good” was pushing it somewhat… it’s a draw! Or knot.
Jayne: Sheesh. Let it go. I got the drop on you hours ago.
Nick: I’m not falling for that one.
Jayne: Come on, give it up. I have you in a stranglehold!
Nick: Come on, give it up. I have you in a stranglehold!
Jayne: This has been going on too long now. My brain is starting to asphyxiate.
Nick: Well, I’m at full throttle.
Jayne: There’s noose-stopping me, either.
Nick: It’s all in the execution.
Jayne: Your puns are getting (scaff)old now.
Nick: A definite shortfall in quality with that one.
Jayne: Yes. I’m starting to feel as if we’re stuck in a loop.
Nick: That’s a (ga)rotten one.
Jayne: True. You had to (neck)brace yourself for it.
Nick: OK. This is the police. Put down your puns. PUT DOWN YOUR PUNS!
Jayne: So I’m officially the winner? I WIN AT PUNNING! WOOHOO!
Nick: No, you’re not the winner. I just couldn’t go on beating you.
Jayne: I was about to say you were a worthy opponent, but I take that back. Who had the last pun, eh? Eh? Eh? It was me! I won by a neck!
Nick: Hm. The panel has deliberated and found that “by a neck” is suspiciously similar to “we’re neck and neck.” So Setchfield wins by default.
Jayne: Funny how whenever I’ve punned with women, they’ve always graciously given in. Funny how the first time I pun with a man, he refuses to concede defeat, despite the fact he was the first participant to re-use a pun AND the one who gave up in the end.
Nick: Damn those jungle instincts! Get back in the cave and make me some tea!
Jayne: ug ug ug* (*get knotted)
Nick: You win. *weeps* You win.
I am the reigning Pun Champion!
I thank you.