Ghosts, Albinos And Buttcracks

I watched Ghost Rider over the weekend and loved it.

I feel slightly guilty for loving it, though, kind of like I feel when I think about how much I love The Scorpion King or Hercules: The Legendary Journeys or (whisper it) seaQuest DSV (God, I can’t believe I just admitted that in public). They’re celebrations of stupidity, the lot of ’em; big piles of cheesy guff that aren’t trying to be anything other than daft entertainment. There’s not a malicious, cynical bone in Ghost Rider‘s body. It’s exactly what you expect it to be: a movie in which Nicolas Cage rides a big flaming motorcycle with his head on fire. The cheese in his case is well and truly melted.

I also watched The Da Vinci Code, which I thought I’d hate, because I loathed the book so much I left it on a train in disgust after reading two chapters. (The description of one character, Silas, as a “hulking albino” will haunt my dreams forever as a prime example of terrible writing. Terrible in that it was written in all seriousness, unlike my other favourite example of terrible writing, seaQuest‘s glorious: “You must leave here! You’re in imminent peril!”, uttered as Commander Ford tries to clear people off an island about to be attacked by a giant lizard. Class!)

Anyway, back to the point: flashbacks and overblown soundtrack aside, I actually quite enjoyed The Da Vinci Code. It was a bloody good story, which explains why the book was such a hit in the first place; if you can excuse the awful prose, Dan Brown really knows how to spin a yarn. I did think Tom Hanks was hugely miscast, though, and I couldn’t understand a word Audrey Tautou said, and I’m still reeling from the sight of Paul Bettany’s buttocks. I’m glad I hadn’t seen that film before I interviewed him last year because I wouldn’t have been able to look him in the eye.

And speaking of buttocks: I saw Ray Winstone’s botty cheeks on Friday, not to mention Angelina Jolie’s, in glorious 3-D. I’m still not sure if they were real buttocks or not but they were part of the 20-minute preview of Beowulf Warner Bros kindly displayed to a room full of journos looking silly in coloured specs. What a strange 20 minutes they were, too… I’m really not sure what I thought of what we saw, possibly because it was out of context, so I need to see the rest of the film to figure it out. It certainly looked amazing, there was some brilliant phallic imagery (always a Brucie bonus) and there’s a scene between Winstone’s Beowulf and Jolie’s monster that will stay with me for a while. But I’m still on the fence with this one, I think. Bring on the rest of the movie so I can make my mind up!

Beowulf is released in November, so if you want to check out Ray or Angie’s bottoms for yourself, you’ve got a bit of a wait. Sorry and all that.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “Ghosts, Albinos And Buttcracks

  1. Revolution

    seaQuest?! And to think you mocked me for my love of Space Precint!

  2. Lerxst

    Don’t worry, I’ve already seen Angie’s bottom (and very nice it is too). Not really bothered about Ray’s….

    As for seaQuest, it could be worse…. I used to know someone who loved Space: Above and Beyond….

  3. Lerxst

    PS guilty love?

    The Lair of the White Worm

  4. Jenni

    I loved Ghost Rider too and I still watch Hercules and Xena on Bravo – it often makes me late for work but seeing Ares God of War played by the gorgeous Kevin Smith always puts a smile on my face. Plus I have every epidsode of Space Precinct! 🙂 My guilty tv pleasure is Charmed – I feel better now I’ve admitted it!!

  5. Ruud Visser

    I may be alone in this, but I think Angelina is a bit overrated. Those lips…..eeuwww!

    I bought the Seaquest 1st season-box last year, despite a not very favorable review in SFX (Stacy Haddock!!?)
    I like the idea behind the series, though I agree that it could have been much better. I never saw the series on Dutch television, but instead on German tv, dubbed.
    I guess I wanted to see the series in English for a change.
    And I like Roy Scheider, Come on! He killed two eveil sharks, drove a truch full of nitro through the jungle, shot Malcolm McDowall out of the air in his super-duper chopper, and managed to let the Alexei Leonov escape an imploding planet by cleverly using a broomstick with a pinpongball-spaceship as a booster. How can you not like the guy!

    My guilty pleasures? The Omega Man and Equalibrium, and the Seventh Doctor (minus Mel!)…

  6. Lerxst

    Ruud, actually I’d agree on Angie. She’s attractive, but not as stunning as sometimes made out. Personally, Dina Meyer does it more for me.

    (PS Jenni – I just got slightly confused and had a vision of Kevin “Silent Bob” Smith as Ares….)

  7. Ruud Visser

    Dina Meyer, good one! I may be showing my age, but what about Lauren Graham, Michelle Yeoh, Michelle Pfeiffer, Julia Ormond or Maggie Cheung?
    I could also mention Stephanie Beecham, but…..

  8. Lerxst

    Ah, la belle Pfeiffer! Absolutely. I still get a tingly feeling just thinking of her Catwoman, but if I had to choose just one of her films to watch, it would be Into The Night.

    And I see your Beecham, and raise you a Lauren Bacall (in her prime obviously).

    Hmm. Not sure what Jayne must make of such a laddish discussion invading her blog!

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