I went to see Alien Autopsy last week. Not a real autopsy, obviously, but the new film starring Ant McPartlin and Declan Donnelly, Britain’s most popular light entertainment presenters. However, my paralysing fear of the vast, rumbling legal machines of Warner Bros pictures means I’m not going to say a word about what I thought of it. I watched an unfinished print, so brand-new it practically had the cellophane still on it, and if I breathe one word of judgement Warners will crucify me for reviewing it so early.
I’m scared of Warners. They’re bigger than me.
Instead I’ll talk about Ant and Dec, whom I had the good fortune to interview the next day. For anyone who doesn’t know these guys, they’ve been around for donkeys’ years (though they’re only just into their 30s) hosting everything from Pop Idol to I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Here! Either you love ’em or you hate ’em. I fall into the former category – I think they’re genuinely funny, witty presenters and love them to bits. The prospect of interviewing them was too good to pass up, if only because I knew it’d be a good old giggle. And I was right!
The hotel booked to host the interview (which I won’t name, because Warners wouldn’t want me to – did I mention they’re bigger than me?) was ridiculously over-priced, kitschy and daft, the kind of place rich people stay in when they’re bored with The Dorchester and fancy some fun. The guys were in the penthouse suite and the lift up to the room had me in fits – kitted out with holograms of stars and planets like a seven year-old’s bedroom. Tasteful? Not on your nelly. Expensive? You betcha!
The penthouse was far more classy, though a giant plastic egg was perched inexplicably next to one of the chairs in a gesture of “I cost a lot of money, therefore I’m tasteful” defiance.
“That’s gonna hatch in a minute,” mused Dec, as we took our seats for the interview.
“Hope it’s not got bird flu,” I replied. “Nice penthouse, this, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, we’ve been having a good poke around it,” said Ant, grinning. “We’ve looked in all the nooks and crannies.”
“Okay, so tell us why you’ve made a movie… oh, hang on. That noise you just heard? That wasn’t me farting, it was this leather chair.”
“Yeah, yeah,” said Ant. “We believe you.”
As interviews go, this one was rather informal.
For the record, Alien Autopsy features Ant and Dec playing two real-life guys who faked footage of an alien autopsy back in 1995 and made a fortune. I remember watching it at the time, knowing it was a hoax, but was fascinated nevertheless. It’s funny what gets made into movies, isn’t it? And they co-star with Bill Pullman and Harry Dean Stanton, if you don’t mind. Films are weird…
Anyway, the interview went really well; never have I spoken to anyone who giggled as much as these guys and it was seriously infectious. How they host their shows without cracking up every five seconds, I have no idea. Although, admittedly, half the joy of I’m A Celebrity is in watching them try to keep a straight face… particularly during the bush tucker trials.
Which has just made me think of spiders. Urgh.
So, I arrived back in the office half an hour later to be met by our Reviews Editor wearing his best “I need a favour” face.
“There’s a screening at 1pm that nobody can make,” he said. “Can you go? It’s a romantic comedy called Failure To Launch.”
“I hate romantic comedies,” I replied. “Who’s in it? Anyone sexy?”
“Matthew McCaunaghey. And Sarah Jessica Parker.”
“And that guy from Doctor Who,” cried our Staff Writer suddenly, looking inspired. “David Tennant. And, er, he’s not wearing a shirt in it!”
“Ewan McGregor’s in it too,” continued the Reviews Editor. “Naked. In fact, they’re both naked. I think they have a sex scene that goes on for a while.”
“With lots of songs by Neil Finn playing over it.”
“So. Wanna go?”
I was so touched by their elaborate ploy to get me interested that I went to see the film. If only half of what they’d said had been true, it would’ve been the best film ever.
But it wasn’t. Rotten swizz.